Our Journey with Heaven - Loathing the Birth Parents
During this time I would listen to the soundtrack of Wicked a lot while driving back and forth from visits. Many of the songs I could relate to; and I would sing them at the top of my lungs, tears streaming down my face. Somehow it was therapeutic for me. I would change some of the words to have the song fit my situation better. The following song is called "What is this Feeling". I imagined that her parents were singing it right back at me. It was weird to have this love/hate relationship with them and at times I wasn't really sure how to feel. It was easier to hate them and think that Nevaeh would be better off with us than to try and understand them.
There's been some confusion over whose she really is,
But of course I'll care for Nevaeh and of course I'll rise above it
For I know that's how you'd want me to respond, yes, there's been some confusion for you see this parent is….unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe...
What is this feeling so sudden and new? I felt the moment I laid eyes on you
My pulse is rushing, my head is reeling, my face is flushing
What is this feeling - fervid as a flame, does it have a name, yeeesss, loathing unadulterated loathing
For your face, your voice, your clothing
Let’s just say, I loathe it all.
Every little trait however small, makes my very flesh begin to crawl, with simple utter loathing
There’s a strange exhilaration, in such total detestation. It's so pure so strong, though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last and I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long.
My Friends sing this part:
Dear Katrina, you are just too good. How do you stand it I don’t think I could?
She's a terror, she's a tartar. We don’t mean to show a bias, but Katrina you're a martyr.
Me: Well, these things are sent to try us.
Poor Katrina forced to reside, with someone so disgusticified. We just want to tell you we're all on your side! We share your loathing, unadulterated loathing. For her face, her voice, her clothing. Let’s just say - WE LOATHE IT ALL! Every little trait however small makes our very flesh begin to crawl.
Ahhhh - Loathing - There's a strange exhilaration - In such total detestation - It's so pure so strong
Though I do admit it came on fast. Still I do believe that it can last, and I will be
Loathing Loathing for forever Loathing Loathing truly deeply loathing you
My whole life long.
July 15, 2008
We have had Nevaeh now for 7 months. It is amazing to look back at the pictures of her when she first arrived. I forgot how little she was. Not much has changed since we got her. We still go and see both of her parents but at least we are down to once a week. Her parents now have a monitor that watches over the visit. The boys and I use the 5 hours each week to go to the Wild Animal Park, the movies, the mall and the beach.
Mom and dad both graduate from rehab on Friday. I told them I would bring the baby down to watch. The only reason I was going to go at first was because mom said no one was going to be there to support her because dad was going to be at work. I just found out on Monday that dad will be there as long as he is back from his camping trip. So what happen to work? Who knows. It doesn't seem to be a priority with these people. Mom and dad will now be living with 2 other couples in a 3 bedroom apartment. It is considered a halfway house. Why would anyone think it was a good idea to put a bunch of recovering drug addicts together in one apartment? I really hope the state takes this into consideration if they place her back with them.
Our next court date is on August 21st. We really won't know much until then and even after that I am not sure how much we will know. We have been told that the social worker is not recommending placement with her parents at this time but that they are still working on reunification.
In the meantime we just love her like one of the family and pray that whatever is best for her will happen and that we will be able to accept it.
September 5, 2008
I am not doing any better keeping up on a blog then I do writing in a journal. This last month has flown by so fast and I have had so many emotional ups and downs that I am not really sure where to begin.
Nevaeh had her court hearing on August 21st and they decided that they would have a trial on September 19th to determine if her parents should start to receive unsupervised visits. Right before her court hearing we found out that her mom was expecting another baby. We were hopeful in the beginning that this would be good for our case since this seems to be a pattern in mom's life. If she losses a baby to CPS she just gets pregnant again. But at this last visit her mom said that she had lost the baby. I no longer know when to believe her. The other thing I noticed about mom lately is that she has all short nails except for really long pinky nails. My drug knowledge is pretty limited but I am pretty sure that those nails are usually used for snorting drugs.
We have had Nevaeh for 9 months now and she is 11 months old. She did finally start to crawl last month and today when I took her to a physical therapy evaluation I was told she did not qualify for services because she is doing age appropriate things. I was actually relieved because I did not know when I would be able to fit another appointment in.
This last month has been really hard on me emotionally. It is always interesting to me how God answers prayers. I have been praying so hard for peace with the whole situation. I have joined a few support groups that deal with foster care but have not found one that was really helping me out. I have tried talking to friends who have foster/adopted but that hasn't helped either. I just kept hoping to find someone who would truly understand how I feel every Monday when I drop off this precious baby to 2 people that make my skin crawl but that I feel sorry for because I can tell they love their daughter very much. Someone who would understand how I feel sick to my stomach all the way there because I am hoping that they just won't show up and yet feel guilty for having such awful thoughts.
It wasn't until I was in church a few Sundays ago that I finally figured out who that someone was. Usually on my way to Nevaeh's visits I try to sing a song to help me feel calm. Several times I have tried to sing "Where Can I Turn for Peace" but can't remember the words. So I finally stopped trying and would just sing other hymns. A few Sundays ago, two girls sang the song in church. As they sang, tears ran down my checks.
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself a part, Searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only One.
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace He finds for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind. Love without end.
It finally hit me that I had been searching in the wrong place. There is only one person who truly knows and understands how I feel. Other people may have had similar experiences but no one but He could possibly know exactly how I feel. I needed to spend more time speaking to Him and less time asking for everyone else’s opinion. I have since learned the words to the song to remind me that He is my source of strength and that I can make it through this. That I may not know the outcome right now but He does. That I need to love this precious baby for as long as I am given the chance and that I need to leave the rest up to Him. It is still a hard thing for me to do but the song at least helps to remind me and it helps me to remember that He loves me and knows I am in pain. He will keep trying to talk to me as long as I remember to listen.
About 10 years ago I went to a fireside where Janice Kapp Perry was the speaker. She spoke of an album (yes that is what they called them back then) she had written for people who had children with special needs. I went and purchased the tape to send to a friend who had a child that had been diagnosed with Autism. I never ended up mailing the tape because life got busy for me as it always does. So I put the tape up and forgot about it.
Then one day several months after we lost our 4th son, I found the tape and listened to it in the car. I had an overwhelming feeling that Heavenly Father had a daughter for us with special needs. This thought frightened me because I thought it was a downs syndrome baby and I wasn't sure I could handle it. Again I put the tape away and forgot about it.
A few months after we moved here, I again found the tape and listened to it. Steve and I had been discussing if we should have more children but we never felt like we got an answer to try again so we dropped it. When I found the tape, I again felt like there was a daughter for us with special needs. Again it scared me because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle it. Again the tape got put away.
So a few weeks ago, I found the tape and pulled it out again. I listened to the words of the song and suddenly felt like it wasn't a child with downs syndrome that the song made me think of but Nevaeh. I cannot listen to the song without crying and finally feeling like I understand what those feelings were for this tape so long ago. I love the way the Spirit can touch us and speak to us through music. Here are the words to the song so you can understand what I mean.
In that place before our birth, did you volunteer to come to earth, with many special trials to overcome? And when that choice was made, did I raise my hand in perfect faith, and plead to have and hold you as my own? Did I promise I would lead you safetly home?
Back home to love and light, where Heaven's blessings are assured. Back home to walk with angels in the presence of the Lord.
Now we struggle here on earth, trying hard to hear God's guiding words and wonder if He's left us on our own. Then softly through the veil, comes a feeling that I know so well, because I knew you could not walk alone. I promised I would lead you safely home.
Back home to love and light, where Heaven's blessings are assured. Back home to walk with angels in the presence of the Lord.
Then on some bright future day, will I see things in a different way, when I remember who you really are? And will I come to see, that you paved the way to Heaven for me, by helping me to grow and overcome? Did you know that you were leading me back home?
Back home to love and light, where Heaven's blessings are assured. Back home to walk with angels in the presense of the Lord. Where we can be together in glory yet unknown, because we brought each other safely home.
Steve and I have been so blessed in our lives to not really have had any huge catastrophes to help our faith grow. The journey that we began a year ago has made my faith in a loving Heavenly Father grow so much that I would not be able to describe it in words. The other night when Steve and I went to the temple I asked him if he had any feelings about the outcome of the trial. He said no. The only thoughts that keep coming to his mind were "I am aware of the pain you are feeling". For some reason we do not get to know what is to come. The trial of our faith is not over yet. So I will close my blog with my favorite scripture and all I have learned about faith from Alma.
14 And now, as I said unto you, that because ye were compelled to be humble ye were blessed, do ye not suppose that they are more blessed who truly humble themselves because of the word?
15 Yea, he that truly humbleth himself, and repenteth of his sins, and endureth to the end, the same shall be blessed—yea, much more blessed than they who are compelled to be humble because of their exceeding poverty.
16 Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God, and is baptized without stubborness of heart, yea, without being brought to know the word, or even compelled to know, before they will believe.
17 Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe.
18 Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.....
21 And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
Well today was the dreaded trial date. All week I have felt a little sick trying to figure out what would happen in court today. For some reason I keep thinking that the outcome of court will actually give us a more definite answer of where Nevaeh's life is going. Instead, all it ever really does is create more questions.
The social worker called me this morning right after court was over. She told me that she had finally received an appointment date for Nevaeh to go and see the neurologist. Of course it is on Monday when I am supposed to be at Nevaeh's visit with her parents. The social worker then told me that the court approved mom to have unsupervised visits but that it had to be in a public place and that dad was not allowed to be anywhere near or even transport mom to the visit. Considering that neither one of them have a car, I don't see how that will be a problem. The social worker told me that since I have done so much of the transporting of the baby, that mom would have to meet me in Temecula at the mall on a day that would be convenient for me. Unfortunately, the day that is convenient for me is impossible for mom. I am still trying to work out the details on that.
The social worker did ask us today if we were willing to take the baby in the event that her parents had their rights terminated. There are some things going on with dad that still give us hope that we might end up with her. Apparently, even if mom gets her act together but refuses to leave dad she will not be able to get Nevaeh back. It may come down to who mom wants in her life more.
I really wish I had more defining news, but one thing I know for right now is that she is still with us and we still have hope.