I have been trying for days to finish the middle part of our story and it has been so much harder than I ever imagined. To say that the next 6 months of the journey was hard would be an understatement. There are things I have read that I have thought about leaving out. Things that make me look like a person I don't recognize and I don't really admire much. But I have decided to keep them in because they were my real feelings at the time.
In my defense, please remember the state of mind I was in. I now found myself in a situation I did not want to be in and at times did not think I had the strength to endure. This baby was now a toddler who thought of me as her mother and I so desperately wanted to be. Yet every week I got to take her to her real parents. I spent time with them. They trusted me and part of me felt extremely guilty for even thinking about wanting to keep their baby. There were times I would look at them and think "Are they really as bad as I think they are or do I just want them to be so I can keep the baby?"
I have choose not to go into great detail about how and why Nevaeh was taken from them or why her other siblings were taken away before her. By the end of our journey I found that I had no right to judge these people. I'm not sure what kind of person I would be if I had the lives that they did. So by sharing our story the way it really happened hopefully you will be able to see that I grew through this experience and have more compassion now.
Praying and holding my breath today. I hate the waiting part. I keep waiting for the phone to ring so I can know what is going on. Oh please just hurry up and call.
February 20, 2009
I’m no longer holding my breath. Instead I am gearing up for what’s to come in the next 4 months. The social worker still hasn’t called to tell me how court went but I spoke with M (birthmom) today and she was so excited about the outcome. The next court date is scheduled for June 9th and they are hoping to have the baby placed back with them by then.
The next step is for M to start supervising B’s (birthdad) visits. So from now on there will be no more monitor for dad. They will see how that goes for a while and then they will move on to overnight visits. I can’t believe how long the courts let this take. I know I shouldn’t judge but if someone took my child from me I would not wait until the absolute last minute to do what the court wanted. I guess I always knew it was coming but I am feeling a little numb today. I am praying that Heavenly Father gives me the strength to make it through. I have always asked that people pray for what is best to happen with her case. I do not know what is best for her so I will still as for that.
I’ve been listening to my Wicked soundtrack and this song fits perfectly. From the day I first held that little 8 pound baby in my arms she filled my heart with joy. I’m not sure how I am going to make it through the next 4 months. I have changed some of the words to the song to fit my situation but this is exactly how I am feeling at this moment.
Hands touch, eyes meet, sudden silence, sudden heat, hearts leap in a giddy whirl
I would be her mom - But she’s not my girl!
Don’t dream too far, don’t lose sight of who you are, don’t remember that rush of joy
I would be her mom – But she’s not my girl!
Ev’ry so often we long to steal to the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn’t soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in
Bright smile, Big grin, She is her mom, she will win.
Gold hair with a gentle curl. That’s the girl I know but Heaven knows
She’s not my girl!
Don’t wish, don’t start, wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn’t born for the role I’m in.
There’s a girl I know
I LOVE HER SO
SHE’S NOT MY GIRL!
February 21, 2009
I made a video tribute for Nevaeh so we can remember our time with her. I love this song from Wicked. You might need some tissue.