Yesterday was both a happy day and a sad day for us. We took Nevaeh to court with us to say goodbye to her biological parents and to hear the court terminate their rights and grant us the status of prospective adoptive parents. It was sad to watch two people who love their child but know that it is not in her best interest to raise her have to sit and witness the court take away any rights they have to her.
I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who made the day more bearable and helped us find compassion for people I may have otherwised turned my nose up at. It is amazing to me how He always finds a way to humble me.
When we first started on this journey I found it easy to judge the people who had their children taken from them. But after visiting with many women in the rehab center and all my visits with B (birthdad) and M (birthmom), I found a compassion that exists inside of me that I never thought possible.
I learned I had no right to judge these people. I learned that their lives were so different from my own and that I may have never survived the things they had to endure. I now have a special place in my heart for those who our stuggling with addiction, depression, and poverty. I do not agree with their actions and still find it difficult to understand why they do some of the really stupid things they do but my heart goes out to them.
I truly believe that Nevaeh was always suppose to be a part of our family. I believe Heavenly Father needs families to accept children into their homes that are not biologically theirs because of mistakes that others may make. My prayer is that I can give this precious spirit the life that she so deserves. She is such a strong little one with so much personality. I pray that she will always know that she belongs to our family even if our blood does not run through her veins.
It has been a long and exhausting 2 years but I would not change any of it. Through all the ups and downs Heavenly Father has taught me many lessons. It is always so much easier to look back and see His hand in my life than it is to look forward and just trust.
Of course I have found a song that is near and dear to my heart. I first heard this song about 4 years ago at a women's conference. It was a hard day for me because my mother, sisters, sister-in-law and me always attend this conference but this year they decided to invite neices along too. I felt the emptiness of never having a daugther so strong that day and felt so sad that I would never have a daugther to bring to our annual trip. I cried when I heard this song but just figured it was because I was already an emotional wreak. I never thought the song would hold so much meaning to me.Then last Christmas I was at the church bookstore when I won a raffle. I was able to pick something out of the basket and in it was a book/cd wtih songs about adoption. When I listened to the songs I remember thinking that none of them really applied to me except the one about the child leaving and the person grieving. I was really hoping that Heavenly Father wasn't trying to prepare me for something that I didn't want. I wanted so badly for the cover song to apply to me but just didn't see how that would be possible since it would mean the mother would have to decide to give Nevaeh to us. What a difference a year makes.
I still remember M calling me a few days before trial was set and leaving a message that she really needed to speak with me. I was dreading calling her back and I had been losing sleep over going to court to tesitfy against her. I did not want to have to look her in the eyes and tell her I did not think she was fit to raise a child. I wasn't sure how I was going to betray her like that. So I finally got up the nerve to call her back and she explained how they had just spent 6 hours waiting in line at the food bank. She said that after much thought they had decided that if we were willing to adopt Nevaeh they would just give up their rights and there would be no need for a trial.
Our family was sitting at the table finishing up eating while I was on the phone. I remember pointing to Steve and mouthing "their giving us the baby, their giving us the baby" with tears streaming down my face. It was difficult not to jump for joy and it was hard to find the right words to say to B and M. Thank you just didn't seem right.
Maybe that will help explain why this song has so much meaning to me now.
From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours
So many wrong decisions in my past I'm not quite sure,
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
So lately I've been thinking, cause it's all I've had to do,
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours.
If you choose to tell her, and if she wants to know, how the one who gave her life could bare to let her go.
Just tell her there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor.
And knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.
So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours.
Now you don't have to do this, but would you kiss her once for me.
The first time that she ties her shoes, or falls and skins her knee.
And could you hold her twice and long when she makes her mistakes.
And tell her that she's not alone. Somtimes that's all it takes.
So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me and I'm not on a soapbox saying how it all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above, and I'm trusting you can give this baby both her mothers love.
So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours."
Thanks again for all your love and support throughout this incredible journey. I now have the honor and responsiblity to give this beautiful spirit the love of two mothers. Please pray that I will always be able to do so. Sometimes giving a child one mother's love can be overwhelming so I really do pray that I am capable of doing it for two.
