I Wished for You

My Dearest Nevaeh,

I can't believe it has been a year already. One whole year of relief. One whole year of knowing that you are our forever daughter. One whole year of not having to worry about if you are staying with us or leaving to live somewhere else. I can't believe it has been one whole year of pure bliss.

April 22nd, your Adoption Day, will always hold a special place in my heart. 

You have brought so much joy and happiness into our lives since the day you came and your little personality has blossomed so much over this last year.  You have a way of making all of us laugh  - the way you stand on a chair and wave your hands around like you are the ring leader of a circus. And then how you tell us to clap for you and you take a bow. Of course this is all happening while we are suppose to be doing family scripture study. You definitely have us all wrapped around your little finger.

Recently I purchased a bunch of adoption books for you. The day they came in the mail I was on my way to do some grocery shopping. I sat in the parking lot and started reading them. As I sat and read "I Wished For You" tears streamed down my face. You are still too young to really understand the book but we sit and read it together anyway. I change the name of the bear to your name because you always get a kick out of stories if I put your name in.

I Wished for You by Marianne Richmond

"Mama, Tell me again how I'm your wish come true"

"A long time ago, a wish started growing in my heart. At first, it was a quiet wish that nobody knew. Then it became an out-loud wish that grew and grew and grew. Until one day, my wish came true."

"Why did you wish for me, Mama?"

"Because, I had an empty place in my heart that I wanted to fill with love for a special child like you."

"Oh. What about the mama who grew me in her tummy? Didn't she wish for me, too?"

"Sometimes, Nevaeh, a mama will grow a baby in her belly, and for all kinds of reasons, she'll decide she cannot be the very best mama she wants to be. The mama who grew you loved you enough to make a different wish- a wish for a family who would love her little one with a total and adoring love. The kind of love I have for you."

"Mama, Did you wish for me by name?"

"When I first wished my wish, I didn't know your name. But that didn't stop my wishing. I asked God to look around and find the child who would be the perfect one for me."

"Nevaeh, of all the children in the whole wide world, God picked you for me."

"Did you wish for me all day, Mama? Or only when the stars were out?"

"All the time. I wished for you with my morning coffee, and when I made my bed. I couldn't get my wish for you out from in my head."

"Did you ever think, that your wish might not come true?"

"Oh yes...I wished for you through many phone calls and through mountains of paperwork. I wished for you while I waited and waited and waited. "


"Sometimes, I didn't hear any news about your for weeks or months. But I held onto my wish tightly - like the string on a balloon."

"One day... One glorious, special, wonderful day, I found out my wish was coming true."

"What did you do?"

"I shouted for joy! And I cried happy tears. I told all my friends... and they hugged me and cried, too. Everyone knew how much I had been wishing for you."

""Do wishes always come true?"

"No, not all of our wishes come true. But don't ever stop wishing for the hopes of your heart."

"I won't".

"But I came true."

"Yes, you did, Nevaeh. I wished for you , and you are always and forever my wish come true."

Thank you, Nevaeh, for bringing us so much love and laughter. Thank you for helping us to learn to have faith and rely on God when all hope seems lost. Thank you for being my wish come true.

Love,

Your Forever Momma

Nevaeh's Blessing and Jared's Ordination

Have you ever wanted something so much that you think about it and anticipate it happening and then when it finally does it doesn't turn out the way you had thought? Well, I have to say that is how my day started out. As long as I can remember I have wanted to have a little girl and dress her up in her white dress for her blessing day. I also wanted all my friends and family to be there to help celebrate with me. So after having all my boys and finally figuring out that a little girl was not in the near future I let that dream die.

Then when we got Nevaeh, I started to dream the dream again. But I knew that it would have to be different since we were not going to be able to bless her as an infant. I knew that she could possibly be 2 or even 3 when it occurred since she would have to be legally adopted to be blessed. And then there were times that I wasn't sure it would be able to happen at all since it looked like she was going back. But as soon as I found out the adoption was going to happen I started dreaming again. What the dress would look like, who would there, how we would celebrate afterwards and so on.

We decided to bless her on her birthday since it was on a Sunday and since she shared her birthday with her brother, Jared, and he would be ordained a Teacher on that day too. This way any family who had to travel would be able to attend both events. Unfortunately, I guess their birthdays didn't fall on a good day for most of our family and so our guest list was pretty small. Now you need to understand that I have a very large family and have probably been to just about every event that any of my family members have had. So instead of the 30 or so people I was expecting to be there, there ended up only being my mom (my dad ended up having to go to urgent care that morning), my sister Tami and her two girls, my sister Mary and her husband Jeff and their 5 children.


The next problem I had was trying to find a blessing dress for a 3-year-old. It was not an easy task and I finally found one on-line that I liked and was willing to pay for. I just couldn't see spending over $50.00 for a dress she would only wear once. But when the dress arrived and I tried it on her it was a little short. I wanted a tea-length dress not a knee-length dress. I still thought she looked really sweet in it so I figured I would be okay with her wearing it. The morning of the blessing though Nevaeh had her own ideas. She refused to put it on. She kept telling me "It no fit" "It too big" "I no like". Steve had already left for church and I was left trying to convince the 3-year-old she wanted to look like a pretty princess for church. I finally won that battle but the battle with her hair was just beginning. I finally decided it was not worth the fight and hoped that she would leave the headband in her hair once we got to church.
For those of you not of our faith, it is custom for the men to gather in circle and hold the baby while the father gives the blessing. Now, Nevaeh is not a huge 3-year-old but she is still too big to have everyone try to hold her. Plus, she normally talks all through our prayers so I wasn't sure how reverent she was going to be. I had told the Bishop that maybe we should just bless her in his office with just family attending. He asked me to please reconsider since the people of our ward (church congregation) had been on this hard journey with us and he felt like it would be wonderful for them to witness. I agreed and said that if I gave her a sucker she would hopefully just suck on it and not talk and try to grab at the microphone.

The morning of the blessing my plan was to go up in front with her and have her sit on my lap while Steve gave her the blessing. But when they called us to come up front I learned that I was not suppose to be in the circle and that Steve could just hold her. This turned out to work out perfectly except for the fact that I was now up front so everyone could see as tears poured down my face during the blessing.

Nevaeh could not have been more of an Angel and I don't think anyone will ever forget her sweet blessing. Along with a blessing the father says what the child's name will be on the records of the church. As Steve started to say her name he got chocked up and started to cry. The next thing you hear is Nevaeh saying "It's okay daddy. It's okay" As the blessing continued, Steve would start to chock up again and Nevaeh patted him on the back, kissed him on the cheek and said "It's okay daddy. It's okay". I did not witness this because I was sitting behind them but I had several people recount what happened to me and I could hear her sweet small voice consoling her daddy. As I sat up on the stand crying, trying hard to keep my eyes closed for the prayer, I looked out into the congregation to see almost everyone else crying too. I realized at that point that although my immediate family was not all there with me, my ward family was. And these were the people who every Sunday checked on me to make sure I was okay. Who had watched us go through so much pain and anguish and then to see such a wonderful miracle happen. I felt so blessed at that moment. Knowing how many people really cared about her outcome and my family's well being. Knowing that God had blessed me with so much that the length of the dress, the hair all a mess and the missing family members were not an important part of the day. But the fact that we had so many people around us who loved us and that God was aware of us was all that really mattered.

My sweet Jared was ordained a Teacher that day too. Of course, with all the excitement of the blessing, the bishop forgot to sustain him and I had to send Steve up during church to ask about it. But everything worked out in the end on that too. I guess I spend way to much time stressing out about unimportant things. I am truly grateful for all that God has blessed me with and will try harder to remember that the next time things aren't working out the way I think they should.

Time does soften the ache of some wounds but it can never fully ease them

Because I am still trying to move things over from the other blog, last night I was rereading some of the things I had written and all of a sudden realized it was Labor Day Weekend. I knew it was Labor Day Weekend but I had forgotten until reading older post that Labor Day Weekend had significant meaning in my life and really the whole reason why we ended up adopting Nevaeh.

It still amazes me to this day how Heavenly Father works and how sometimes you get to see why things happened that at the time seemed so painful and unnecessary. Seven years ago I really didn't understand why we felt like we were suppose to have another child only to lose that child 6 months into the pregnancy. I didn't understand why I had to have morning sickness for 5 months and then lose a baby.

Most failed pregnancies happen within the first trimester. I had had 3 healthy boys without ever having a miscarriage so it was hard to understand having to carry a baby so long only to lose him. So looking back now it amazes me that because of that lose and that hard pregnancy I decided I just couldn't go through it again. Yet I still felt as if Heavenly Father had little girls waiting to come be a part of our family. So that is how the thought of adoption was first planted in my mind.

We looked into adopting through Riverside County but that was a huge turn-off for us. The next thing I knew we were moving and it didn't really make since because we ended up moving further from Steve's job instead of closer.

Looking back now it is all so clear. The only reason we were allowed to be a part of Angels Foster Care was because we moved. They only worked out in this area for 1 year and then decided to pull out because they weren't getting any calls from Riverside County. So we had a very narrow margin of time to be with them. We told them the furthest we would drive was to Fallbrook and that is were Nevaeh came from but then her birth parents moved to Escondido for rehab the week after she was placed with us. The two foster children that came and went quickly from our lives were here to keep us from accepting other placements while Nevaeh was being born. The time that it took for her parent's rights to be terminated was so I could grow to have compassion for her birth parents and so they could feel comfortable with our family and letting her go.

Although my heart sometimes aches for the little guy I lost, I now know that God had a much bigger plan for our family and am so grateful that He always gives us what we need even if we don't think it is what we want at the time.

One year of relief

Today marks the one year anniversary of "The Phone Call". This month has been really weird for me, as I for some reason have been reliving the stress of last year's July. I have been really unmotivated and depressed lately and I think it has to do with thinking about everything that happened last year. How grateful I feel today to realize that B and M made the most painful decision of their lives and yet it was one of the happiest days for us. We will forever be grateful to them for allowing us to raise Nevaeh. She brings us such joy and happiness. Yet I still feel so sorry for them. They are homeless now and whenever I take her to see them I see such pain in their eyes. I really wish that our joy didn't have to bring them so much pain. So of course I can't help but think of Nevaeh's favorite song from Wicked.
That's why I couldn't be happier - No, I couldn't be happier - Though it is, I admit - The tiniest bit unlike I anticipated - But I couldn't be happier - Simply couldn't be happier - Well - not "simply -'Cause getting your dreams it's strange, but it seems a little - well - complicated. There's a kind of a sort of - cost. There's a couple of things get - lost. There are bridges you crossed you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed. And if that joy, that thrill - Doesn't thrill you like you think it will - Still - With this perfect finale the cheers and ballyhoo. Who wouldn't be happier? So I couldn't be happier. Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true. Well, isn't it? Happy is what happens when your dreams come true!

For Good Video of Nevaeh

This video is dedicated to all my Angel Family Friends who have had to love and let go. To everyone who has had an Angel baby leave a handprint on their heart and cried because they might never know how their story ends. To all who have been changed for the better and for good by the smiles and laughter an Angel baby brings to your home. And to everyone who knows they have made a change for good in the life of a child by providing unconditional love at a time that is so crucial in a baby's life.

I made this video for our family one year ago when we thought our Angel was going back to her birth parents. I had my friend take the last set of pictures for me right before Nevaeh started having overnight visits. This Angel baby gets to stay with us forever but I will always hold a special place in my heart for the other two who returned home.

Thank you Angel Family for your love and support and for all you do for these beautiful children. May you always know you have changed a baby's life for good even if you only loved them for a short while.

Adoption Celebration

Last night we celebrated Nevaeh's adoption with family and friends. I was so busy rushing around the house that I forgot to take pictures of people who came. I am so grateful to have had so many people supporting our family during the process. Amy made this beautiful cake for Nevaeh and matched what she was wearing for the day. My mom and sister/sister-in-laws came and brought gifts. My mom gave her a new bike which she absolutely loves. We asked friends to make a donation to Angels Foster Family Agency instead of bringing gifts. This is the agency that we fostered Nevaeh through.

Celebrating at Disneyland

We checked into the Paradise Pier yesterday and then headed over to California Adventure. We had stopped to eat at Islands in San Diego after the adoption was finalized and so we got a little later start getting to Disneyland than planned. Nevaeh enjoyed lunch but it was extra special when she was allowed to sit on Steve's lap and share his.

Joshua, Jared and Jacob enjoyed their lunches too. The hambugers were so big we had Josh and Jared share. Steve decided he needed to be silly in Jacob's picture. Steve's true personallity comes out when he is with his family. Don't let him fool you into thinking he is this shy, quiet guy. We all know differently.


It took longer to get to Disneyland than I had thought and we did hit a little bit of traffic. I knew that California Adventure closed at 7:00 p.m. so I was anxious for us to get to the hotel and get checked in. The cast member who checked us in was very sweet. When I told her what we were celebrating she came back with a bunch of balloons for Nevaeh and a certificate to take over to the gift shop and purchase a stuffed animal. Nevaeh had a hard time deciding but she finally chose Minnie Mouse.









After getting up to our room and changing our clothes, we rushed out so fast that somehow the security lock to the room shut behind us. The problem was Steve had not brought the diaper bag in from the truck and the passes were in the diaper bag. The keys to the truck were in the hotel room. So our trip was delayed another 30 minutes. We finally made it into California Adventure and had just enough time to stop by "The Bench" and take pictures. The boys rode Mulholland Madness and Nevaeh and I sat on "The Bench". We had come back to were it had all started 2 years, 4 months and 10 days before. We had finally come full circle. No more wondering, no more worrying, no more trips to Disneyland thinking they could be her last time. Our journey to adopt "Nevaeh Heaven" was finally over and the journey of our lives together with "Nevaeh Arlene" were just beginning.

It's a Girl - Officially

Well I didn't think this day would ever come and now that it has I am so tired from all the events of the day I really don't feel up to blogging. Nevaeh, on the other hand, is keeping everyone up with her singing and saying hi to all of us. Apparently, the two 15 minute naps she got in the car was enough to make her want to stay up all night.

Anyway, our day started out by driving to San Diego in the rain. We had to pull over because I was afraid the stroller would be too wet to use if we left it in the back of the truck. So it ended up in the cab next to Nevaeh. I was hoping she would fall asleep since it was 12:00 p.m. But instead, she played with Jacob until about 15 minutes before we arrived at the courthouse.

I had wanted to come prepared because I wasn't sure how long we would have to wait before we saw the judge. But the longest part of the whole courthouse experience was getting through the metal detector with all of our belongings (computer, stroller, diaper bag) We kept making the alarm go off. I think it took about 10 minutes for us to get through the dumb thing.

We checked in right at 1:30 p.m. and I wasn't sure how long we would have to wait. We barely sat down when they called our name. I was not prepared for that and it seemed like the whole process with the judge was just a blur. We went in, Nevaeh immediately jumped down and went over to the toys they give to the children being adopted and we signed a paper. Then they took some pictures of us with the judge and shoved us (well not really but it felt like that) out the door.

We went outside and took a few more pictures with all the social workers who had been involved with the process. And that, my friends, was it. It was almost anti-climatic. Maybe because all the real drama and the knowledge that she would be ours forever happened back in July.

I had been emotional all week and even broke down when the lady at Kohl's asked me why I was purchasing coordinating outfits for my family. I had listened to some of my Wicked songs again and cried during them. I thought for sure I would be very emotional at court today. But I think it all happened so fast I didn't even have time to blink.

Picture with the judge.




Nevaeh with her people (Karly, County Social Worker, Maggie, Angels Social Worker, Jill, Walden Adoptions Social Worker)





One tired baby on her way to Disneyland. But I am too tired to blog about that tonight so maybe after we our finished tomorrow I will take the time to do that.

2 years, 4 months and 9 days

Wow. So today we finally got the call that told us when we could go to court and finalize our adoption. I was beginning to think this day would never come. Between furlow days, State holidays and sick workers, I wasn't sure anyone was working at the adoption part of the court house any more. So 2 years, 4 months and 9 days from the day Nevaeh was placed with us we will finally be finalizing her adoption.

We were told that the day would be either the 15th of April or the 27th of April. So imagine our surprise today when I received the phone call and the social worker said the 22nd of April. We had been eager to get the date because Steve was offered a new position at work and he needed to make travel arrangements. After he heard the date was either the 15th or the 27th he made arrangements to go to Maryland the week of the 19th. So much for trying to plan his trip around the adoption date.

I had been hoping that they would call and say the 30th since that is my birthday and so far every big day in Nevaeh's life has happened on someone in my family's birthday. She was placed on December 13th (my sister Mary's birthday). She was born on September 26th (my son Jared's birthday). Her sister was born on April 6th (my dad's birthday). I figured our birthday run was over. So this morning I was amazed that she will now be adopted on April 22nd (my brother Tim's birthday).

I was on my way out the door to have her pictures taken this morning to celebrate her upcoming adoption. I can't believe our long roller coaster ride is coming to an end. Whatever will I do with my emotions without all the drama in my life-Take a well deserved break and just enjoy the calm for a while.





You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away.

Mailing off Adoption Papers

Nevaeh loves to go to the mailbox and today she was able to help me mail her adoption papers. Now all we have to do is wait for the court date and go see the judge. Hopefully that will happen next month.




Look at that big smile. She doesn't realize what she just did but hopefully she will always know that she was meant to be ours from the beginning.






We went to the park afterwards to celebrate. She loves to go run around at the park.

Bittersweet Blessings

Yesterday was both a happy day and a sad day for us. We took Nevaeh to court with us to say goodbye to her biological parents and to hear the court terminate their rights and grant us the status of prospective adoptive parents.

It was sad to watch two people who love their child but know that it is not in her best interest to raise her have to sit and witness the court take away any rights they have to her.

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who made the day more bearable and helped us find compassion for people I may have otherwised turned my nose up at. It is amazing to me how He always finds a way to humble me.

When we first started on this journey I found it easy to judge the people who had their children taken from them. But after visiting with many women in the rehab center and all my visits with B (birthdad) and M (birthmom), I found a compassion that exists inside of me that I never thought possible.


I learned I had no right to judge these people. I learned that their lives were so different from my own and that I may have never survived the things they had to endure. I now have a special place in my heart for those who our stuggling with addiction, depression, and poverty. I do not agree with their actions and still find it difficult to understand why they do some of the really stupid things they do but my heart goes out to them.

I truly believe that Nevaeh was always suppose to be a part of our family. I believe Heavenly Father needs families to accept children into their homes that are not biologically theirs because of mistakes that others may make. My prayer is that I can give this precious spirit the life that she so deserves. She is such a strong little one with so much personality. I pray that she will always know that she belongs to our family even if our blood does not run through her veins.

It has been a long and exhausting 2 years but I would not change any of it. Through all the ups and downs Heavenly Father has taught me many lessons. It is always so much easier to look back and see His hand in my life than it is to look forward and just trust.

Of course I have found a song that is near and dear to my heart. I first heard this song about 4 years ago at a women's conference. It was a hard day for me because my mother, sisters, sister-in-law and me always attend this conference but this year they decided to invite neices along too. I felt the emptiness of never having a daugther so strong that day and felt so sad that I would never have a daugther to bring to our annual trip. I cried when I heard this song but just figured it was because I was already an emotional wreak. I never thought the song would hold so much meaning to me.

Then last Christmas I was at the church bookstore when I won a raffle. I was able to pick something out of the basket and in it was a book/cd wtih songs about adoption. When I listened to the songs I remember thinking that none of them really applied to me except the one about the child leaving and the person grieving. I was really hoping that Heavenly Father wasn't trying to prepare me for something that I didn't want. I wanted so badly for the cover song to apply to me but just didn't see how that would be possible since it would mean the mother would have to decide to give Nevaeh to us. What a difference a year makes.

I still remember M calling me a few days before trial was set and leaving a message that she really needed to speak with me. I was dreading calling her back and I had been losing sleep over going to court to tesitfy against her. I did not want to have to look her in the eyes and tell her I did not think she was fit to raise a child. I wasn't sure how I was going to betray her like that. So I finally got up the nerve to call her back and she explained how they had just spent 6 hours waiting in line at the food bank. She said that after much thought they had decided that if we were willing to adopt Nevaeh they would just give up their rights and there would be no need for a trial.

Our family was sitting at the table finishing up eating while I was on the phone. I remember pointing to Steve and mouthing "their giving us the baby, their giving us the baby" with tears streaming down my face. It was difficult not to jump for joy and it was hard to find the right words to say to B and M. Thank you just didn't seem right.




Maybe that will help explain why this song has so much meaning to me now.

From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

So many wrong decisions in my past I'm not quite sure,
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
So lately I've been thinking, cause it's all I've had to do,
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.


So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours.


If you choose to tell her, and if she wants to know, how the one who gave her life could bare to let her go.
Just tell her there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor.
And knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.


So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours.

Now you don't have to do this, but would you kiss her once for me.
The first time that she ties her shoes, or falls and skins her knee.
And could you hold her twice and long when she makes her mistakes.
And tell her that she's not alone. Somtimes that's all it takes.


So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours.


This may not be the answer for another girl like me and I'm not on a soapbox saying how it all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above, and I'm trusting you can give this baby both her mothers love.


So maybe, you can tell your baby, when you love her so that she's been loved before.
By someone, who delivered your child. From God's arms to my arms to yours."



Thanks again for all your love and support throughout this incredible journey. I now have the honor and responsiblity to give this beautiful spirit the love of two mothers. Please pray that I will always be able to do so. Sometimes giving a child one mother's love can be overwhelming so I really do pray that I am capable of doing it for two.