Every Child Has A Story

Angels emailed towards the end of November to ask me if they could use Nevaeh's story and picture on their holiday cards this year. Of course, I was more than happy to oblige. I love showing off all her cute pictures and I love even more sharing her story.

http://www.angelsfoster.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/angels-web-final-Copy.pdf


I share her story everywhere and almost every chance I get. I just shared it again with everyone standing in line waiting to see Santa at Disneyland on Wednesday. A lady in the line was saying how she was going to ask Santa for world peace. I told her this Santa would be a good one to ask because I had asked him 3 years ago for a little girl and later on that day I got a call from our foster agency saying they had one for us. Not a dry eye in line.

Of course, when we got up to Santa I had to retell the story to him and the fact that Nevaeh ran straight up to him and planted a kiss on his cheek is probably why he proclaimed she was the cutest little girl he'd ever seen. Then when she climbed down from his lap he would say "come back here and give Santa a hug". He did that about 5 times as people looked on and took pictures.

Now, I realize that there isn't anything strikingly adorable about Nevaeh's looks. I have seen children with absolutely amazing eyes, children with beautiful hair and children who are very unique looking. So maybe for me it is the fact that I know her story. I know how her life started out and how empty her eyes looked when we first got her. I also know that she has this incredibly outgoing personality that lights up a room when she walks in but can turn on her in an instance when she is having one of her meltdowns. She loves everyone, hugs everyone and thinks that everyone is around to play with and entertain her.

So imagine my surprise when I shared her story at Chick-fil-a on Friday only to find out that it caused the person I was sharing it with great pain. Nevaeh was being her charming charismatic self and a young woman about 20 years old was asking her questions. Nevaeh was telling her all about our recent trip to Disneyland and how she got a candy from Santa. (actually, she got way too much candy from Santa)

This brought me to the topic of telling the young woman about our visit with Santa and our Disneyland story of getting the call for Nevaeh. This young women then look at me and said "you do foster care?" I told her that we use to and that Nevaeh was our 3rd foster baby and how we were able to adopt her. Then she looked down and said "I was a foster child".  " I went in the system at age 3 until I turned 18. No one every adopted me."  All I could say was Oh. Here I had been sharing our story like usual with all my warm and fuzzy thoughts not thinking about how it might affect someone else.

Here's all I know about this young women. Every time we go to Chick-fil-a in the morning she is there. I drop Josh off for school 3 days a week for an hour and sometimes Nevaeh and I go and eat breakfast there when it is too cold to go to the park or I didn't have time to dress her before we leave the house. This young women has been there every time. This is only the second time we have spoke to her and I'm not sure she remembers us from the last time. But I am a people watcher and I have watched her carry on conversations with all sorts of different people there. None of them are ever sitting with her and none of them are ever the same.

She is a beautiful young women. She has a wonderful smile and she is usually reading something when she is not talking to someone. So on this day I asked her if she was reading stuff for college. She said no. She could not afford to go to college but that she was working at the theater and that they had good benefits for helping her get into college. I asked her what kind of career she wanted and she said something to do with working with children because she is really good with them. I don't know if she will ever get to realize her dream because her life consist of no one to help her. How lonely I felt for her that day.

This left we once again thinking about all the children out there who don't get a happily every after story like Nevaeh. The ones who get bounced from house to house and never find anyone to call mom and dad. The ones who get kicked out of the program at age 18 with no one or no where to turn. No parent to live with while getting started with college. No parent to borrow a car from until they can afford their own and not many other options for getting to work. No one to spend holidays with. The theater employees her only family.

So what can I do to help her? What can I do to help change her story? I've thought about leaving a donation for her at Chick-fi-la, but I don't know that money is the answer. I wish I knew what the answer was. I wish that sharing Nevaeh's story with her didn't have to leave her feeling abandoned once again.

I'm not sure if hurting others will stop me from sharing Nevaeh's story. Not that I would intentionally do that. I am hoping that it will inspire someone else to open their hearts to these beautiful children but I need to realize that I may be telling it to someone who is an orphan or someone who may have had there child taken from them. I need to realized that not everyone will like her story. That not everyone will feel the joy I feel when I tell it. And that someday Nevaeh may not want it told. Someday she will not want to be Angel's Foster Care Poster Child.

Competition

I am so proud of my son, Jacob. For three weeks he worked very hard helping his team compete at Lego Land with their robot. Pretty cool looking, huh? They designed it to work like a forklift and they were able to do well enough that they took the Overall Robot Award at Lego Land.

But the thing that impresses me most about Jacob is his character. Jacob is kind of a back seat type of child. He is easy going and likes to have fun but he is very aware of other's feelings and wants to make sure that everyone feels important.

He was not able to participate as much as he would have liked on the programming part of this competition but he was very grateful to the other two team members who spent numerous hours working on it.

One of the questions the team was asked was what does Gracious Professionalism mean to you? Gracious Professionalism is a term that is used in FLL (First Lego League) all the time. I love the way the competition works and wish that every child had an opportunity to be involved in it.

When Jacob got in the car he told me all about the questions they were asked and here is his answer to what Gracious Professionalism means to him.

"Well, you know how when someone says you are a good sport that means you need to act nice whether you win or lose. But when you are a good sport you really want your team to win. With Gracious Professionalism you want others to win and are even willing to help them achieve that goal. And as long as you did your best and learned along the way it doesn't matter if you win."

I love that kid. I wish everyone could have a Jacob. He is the most kind hearted person I know.

Thanksgiving Visit with Birth Parents

I decided to take Nevaeh to see B and M the Monday after Thanksgiving. I figured since I had to take Jacob for his robotics team practice and it was only 15 minutes from them I should really make the effort. Nevaeh had a great time running around the playground with B(birth dad) and he always seem to have so much fun with him. M(birth mom) on the other hand was really more interested in telling me how they were acquiring another cat. This will bring their total up to 3 cats that live with them in the motel room.

On our way back to the car we met a lady and her dog. I guess they knew the dog and use to have a dog that would play with it. They didn't know the lady. Nevaeh was very excited about petting the dog and M introduced Nevaeh as our daughter. I'm not sure who the "our" was that she was referring to. She may have just meant her and B or she could very well have meant all of us. Either way it was the first time I felt comfortable with her calling Nevaeh OUR daughter. The last time we were together someone at McDonald's asked us who's child she was. I responded very quickly "mine".

It's weird that for the first 2 years of Nevaeh's life she was THEIR daughter. And then for a while I considered her Steve and my daughter and they would be like an aunt and uncle. But really, they won't even be that to her. But they will always be her birth mom and birth dad and it felt right for them to say OUR daughter.

After our 30 minute trip to the park I took them to get Taco Bell for dinner. We needed to get back to the motel so the lady could drop off the new cat. This is when things get hard for me. Nevaeh is not a clingy or passive little girl. She is extremely active and outgoing. They thought it would be great fun for her to play with the cats. The cats on the other hand did not agree. Nevaeh kept picking them up and squeezing them too hard. I was tired and didn't feel like having to deal with it. I don't mind when we are at the park or an eating place with a play area because she can run around and be herself. But in their room she kept picking up things she wasn't suppose to. She was even trying to clean the poop out of the kitty box. I could tell she was making M really nervous.

Next we made calls to grandmas. I think this was the highlight for B and M. Each of them called their mothers and had Nevaeh talk to them on the phone. Of course Nevaeh was her cute outgoing self and said things like "love you grandma" and "miss you" and blew kisses. This made both grandmas cry and in return B and M got all teary eyed.  Nevaeh thinks that anyone who looks over 60 is a grandma and grandpa and will run up to them and hug them but I didn't tell any of them that. She really is too young to understand who these people really are. Hopefully hearing her voice while she was visiting B and M was a comfort to the grandmas. I sure their hearts are aching that they will never get to be real grandparents to her.


B and M are still living in a motel room thanks to the generosity of a lady who met them while they were homeless. It amazes me that there are still very generous people out there. I was thinking that it cost them about $800.00 a month to live there but apparently it cost $1,600.00. I do really feel bad that I can't co-sign on an apartment for them. It's just not a chance I am willing to take. I am hopeful they get the mobile home they are looking at. Especially since they are suppose to be getting a dog too and their rent will go down dramatically.


We are schedule to go back the Monday after Christmas. This time we will be going to B's mom's trailer. I'm really not looking forward to it but this grandma isn't very mobile so it is hard for her to get around town. They asked me about what kind of things she likes so they can get her gifts. This is really a hard one for me. I want her to get gifts from them so she knows they care about her but she needs nothing and they are so poor. I hate to see them spend money on a toy that will just get thrown in the closet and be broke within a week. Then there is a part of me that thinks "If they can spend money on cigarettes than they can afford to buy their daughter a gift for Christmas."

At the end of the visit they asked me to search for siblings for them. It was sad to be reminded once again of the hard lives they lead as children. I don't know if their siblings want them to get a hold of them but I am trying to locate them. Maybe being in contact with them will help heal some wounds.

It feels good to be home and not have to deal with their drama for another month. I really do wish them the best of luck on getting their lives in order. And everyday I thank them in my heart for the most beautiful gift that anyone on earth has every given me. I guess they are growing on me.

Guest Blogger for Foster 2 Forever - Open Foster/Adoption

Today was my first experience as a guest blogger. I hope that by sharing our story it will help others in the same position or enlighten others.

http://foster2forever.blogspot.com/2010/11/zoo-and-open-adoption.html

What a Party

Nevaeh has been very excited about having a birthday party. She has been invited to a few and knows that you sing the "Happy To You" song and you open presents and blow out the candles. So she has been looking forward to her party for a few months now. Things have been really busy since her real birthday back in September and I was hoping to get the yard finished before having people over. But I finally gave up and decided I better have her 3 year old party before she turned 4.

I worked hard all week on the decorations and thought it would be cute to make a Wendy costume to go along with her Tinkerbell one. Unfortunately, I ran out of time and didn't finish it. The morning of the party, Nevaeh did not want to wear the Tinkerbell costume. She cried that it didn't fit and wanted nothing to do with it unless it was worn around her waist exposing her top half. I was finally able to fix it with some safety pins about 10 minutes before the guest arrived. By then she was so excited about the guest coming that she forgot she didn't want to wear the costume.

I had lots of activities planned and was hoping to do a lot of outdoor games. But out of all days in sunny California, today it decided to rain. The girls still all had a great time. We started out by playing with balloons in the family room. Next I got out the flannel board and we did some nursery rhymes together.

Then I had them go to the kitchen table to make their very own fairy wands. The girls loved doing this. While we were busy making wands, Josh went outside and placed the prices for the fairy treasure hunt around the neighborhood. It had stopped raining so we were able to venture outside.

While we were outside on our treasure hunt, Steve was inside frantically making star sandwiches. We also had wand sticks (pretzels) and fairy berries (grapes). All of the grown ups could not believe how quite the girls were while eating lunch. It was so much different than having a boy's party.

 After lunch it was outside to Tinkerbell's Flying Arena for flight school. We got a kick out of watching the flying fairies. The girls had a blast.

Next we headed upstairs to Tinkerbell's lair. We played pass the wand and flying fairies. I let the girls take turns turning the music on and off when the wand landed in their lap. For the flying fairies game I took the sleeping bunnies song that we sing in nursery ever Sunday and changed it to fairies.

"Look at all the fairies sleeping till it's almost noon. Shall I wake them with a merry tune. Oh so still. Are they ill. No. Wake up soon. Fly little fairies, fly, fly, fly. Fly little fairies, fly, fly, fly."

Most of the party guest came in cute little fairy costumes. I love the cheesy grins they give when you tell them to smile.

Now it was time to open presents. I love how little children get so excited about presents even if they aren't the ones opening them. Nevaeh enjoyed looking at the cards just as much as opening the presents.

Finally, we concluded with singing "Happy to You" and blowing out the candles. One of the other little girls blew them out before Nevaeh could so we had to relight them.

I think the party was a hit and I loved that I was able to get so many cute pictures.

Nevaeh's Blessing and Jared's Ordination

Have you ever wanted something so much that you think about it and anticipate it happening and then when it finally does it doesn't turn out the way you had thought? Well, I have to say that is how my day started out. As long as I can remember I have wanted to have a little girl and dress her up in her white dress for her blessing day. I also wanted all my friends and family to be there to help celebrate with me. So after having all my boys and finally figuring out that a little girl was not in the near future I let that dream die.

Then when we got Nevaeh, I started to dream the dream again. But I knew that it would have to be different since we were not going to be able to bless her as an infant. I knew that she could possibly be 2 or even 3 when it occurred since she would have to be legally adopted to be blessed. And then there were times that I wasn't sure it would be able to happen at all since it looked like she was going back. But as soon as I found out the adoption was going to happen I started dreaming again. What the dress would look like, who would there, how we would celebrate afterwards and so on.

We decided to bless her on her birthday since it was on a Sunday and since she shared her birthday with her brother, Jared, and he would be ordained a Teacher on that day too. This way any family who had to travel would be able to attend both events. Unfortunately, I guess their birthdays didn't fall on a good day for most of our family and so our guest list was pretty small. Now you need to understand that I have a very large family and have probably been to just about every event that any of my family members have had. So instead of the 30 or so people I was expecting to be there, there ended up only being my mom (my dad ended up having to go to urgent care that morning), my sister Tami and her two girls, my sister Mary and her husband Jeff and their 5 children.


The next problem I had was trying to find a blessing dress for a 3-year-old. It was not an easy task and I finally found one on-line that I liked and was willing to pay for. I just couldn't see spending over $50.00 for a dress she would only wear once. But when the dress arrived and I tried it on her it was a little short. I wanted a tea-length dress not a knee-length dress. I still thought she looked really sweet in it so I figured I would be okay with her wearing it. The morning of the blessing though Nevaeh had her own ideas. She refused to put it on. She kept telling me "It no fit" "It too big" "I no like". Steve had already left for church and I was left trying to convince the 3-year-old she wanted to look like a pretty princess for church. I finally won that battle but the battle with her hair was just beginning. I finally decided it was not worth the fight and hoped that she would leave the headband in her hair once we got to church.
For those of you not of our faith, it is custom for the men to gather in circle and hold the baby while the father gives the blessing. Now, Nevaeh is not a huge 3-year-old but she is still too big to have everyone try to hold her. Plus, she normally talks all through our prayers so I wasn't sure how reverent she was going to be. I had told the Bishop that maybe we should just bless her in his office with just family attending. He asked me to please reconsider since the people of our ward (church congregation) had been on this hard journey with us and he felt like it would be wonderful for them to witness. I agreed and said that if I gave her a sucker she would hopefully just suck on it and not talk and try to grab at the microphone.

The morning of the blessing my plan was to go up in front with her and have her sit on my lap while Steve gave her the blessing. But when they called us to come up front I learned that I was not suppose to be in the circle and that Steve could just hold her. This turned out to work out perfectly except for the fact that I was now up front so everyone could see as tears poured down my face during the blessing.

Nevaeh could not have been more of an Angel and I don't think anyone will ever forget her sweet blessing. Along with a blessing the father says what the child's name will be on the records of the church. As Steve started to say her name he got chocked up and started to cry. The next thing you hear is Nevaeh saying "It's okay daddy. It's okay" As the blessing continued, Steve would start to chock up again and Nevaeh patted him on the back, kissed him on the cheek and said "It's okay daddy. It's okay". I did not witness this because I was sitting behind them but I had several people recount what happened to me and I could hear her sweet small voice consoling her daddy. As I sat up on the stand crying, trying hard to keep my eyes closed for the prayer, I looked out into the congregation to see almost everyone else crying too. I realized at that point that although my immediate family was not all there with me, my ward family was. And these were the people who every Sunday checked on me to make sure I was okay. Who had watched us go through so much pain and anguish and then to see such a wonderful miracle happen. I felt so blessed at that moment. Knowing how many people really cared about her outcome and my family's well being. Knowing that God had blessed me with so much that the length of the dress, the hair all a mess and the missing family members were not an important part of the day. But the fact that we had so many people around us who loved us and that God was aware of us was all that really mattered.

My sweet Jared was ordained a Teacher that day too. Of course, with all the excitement of the blessing, the bishop forgot to sustain him and I had to send Steve up during church to ask about it. But everything worked out in the end on that too. I guess I spend way to much time stressing out about unimportant things. I am truly grateful for all that God has blessed me with and will try harder to remember that the next time things aren't working out the way I think they should.

Time does soften the ache of some wounds but it can never fully ease them

Because I am still trying to move things over from the other blog, last night I was rereading some of the things I had written and all of a sudden realized it was Labor Day Weekend. I knew it was Labor Day Weekend but I had forgotten until reading older post that Labor Day Weekend had significant meaning in my life and really the whole reason why we ended up adopting Nevaeh.

It still amazes me to this day how Heavenly Father works and how sometimes you get to see why things happened that at the time seemed so painful and unnecessary. Seven years ago I really didn't understand why we felt like we were suppose to have another child only to lose that child 6 months into the pregnancy. I didn't understand why I had to have morning sickness for 5 months and then lose a baby.

Most failed pregnancies happen within the first trimester. I had had 3 healthy boys without ever having a miscarriage so it was hard to understand having to carry a baby so long only to lose him. So looking back now it amazes me that because of that lose and that hard pregnancy I decided I just couldn't go through it again. Yet I still felt as if Heavenly Father had little girls waiting to come be a part of our family. So that is how the thought of adoption was first planted in my mind.

We looked into adopting through Riverside County but that was a huge turn-off for us. The next thing I knew we were moving and it didn't really make since because we ended up moving further from Steve's job instead of closer.

Looking back now it is all so clear. The only reason we were allowed to be a part of Angels Foster Care was because we moved. They only worked out in this area for 1 year and then decided to pull out because they weren't getting any calls from Riverside County. So we had a very narrow margin of time to be with them. We told them the furthest we would drive was to Fallbrook and that is were Nevaeh came from but then her birth parents moved to Escondido for rehab the week after she was placed with us. The two foster children that came and went quickly from our lives were here to keep us from accepting other placements while Nevaeh was being born. The time that it took for her parent's rights to be terminated was so I could grow to have compassion for her birth parents and so they could feel comfortable with our family and letting her go.

Although my heart sometimes aches for the little guy I lost, I now know that God had a much bigger plan for our family and am so grateful that He always gives us what we need even if we don't think it is what we want at the time.